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Homesick

 Dear Diary,

Currently listening to Homesick by my favourite band. 

2026 started off not so badly. I cry often, though, lol-mainly cause I miss a lot of people who are not present in my life anymore. Nothing unnatural happened. Sometimes its because I did something 'funny', and other times they are just, gone. Just like that.

If you ever wonder why bad things are happening to you-just stop and take a step back. Think of the bad things you have done to other people. I don't know if I will ever talk about the bad things I have done to someone I love. That will take us days to complete. Let's just say that it was the worst thing I have ever done, worse than one could possibly imagine. Mind you, this was all done by a 10 year old.

I miss you Achamma. I miss you so much, more than you can possible imagine. I'll probably start bawling in a few minutes, good thing that my roommate isn't here, right?
I miss you Achamma. There are times when I just want to suffer, not die, just suffer for the things I have done and said to you. Nothing will ever equate what I did to you. You always treated me well and I was rarely nice to you. I always took you for granted.

It's true when people say that you will only know the value once you've lost something. I just hope I never lose my memory of you-your voice, your face. I feel so proud when people say I look like Madhavi Amma. I feel so blessed and loved to have you in my life. I still remember a day when I got my periods and I had a severe stomache ache. You were sitting on a pulluvaya on the floor, near the door, and I was lying on your lap and we were talking about periods. I must have been whining and you were comforting me. 

I miss you so much Achamma. I'm so so so sorry that I treated you so bad. No amount of tears will make up for it. I hate myself for it. I will forever myself. I pray every year on January 14th and almost on all days, especially for you. I hope you are in heaven and watching all of us. 

This is something that has happened often. I remember one event specifically. When Elsa and Mariat came and we were playing in the room and you came for something. I started yelling at you for nothing and told you to sit in the Varandhah. Now I wonder what you might have been thinking while you were sitiing alone in that wooden chair, waiting for something or someone to come and talk to you. 

I rememeber how you always used to sit in that chair. Everyday, at 4 when I was coming back from my school, you would be there, waiting for me. And you would open the door for me. I cannot believe you are gone. And I especially cannot believe I was so unlucky not to talk to you while you were here. My heart breaks into a zillion pieces when the aunty said that whenever she passes, she would have the memory of your face, when you used to sit outside our home.

My school trip of 2020. I had to wake up pretty early to go to school as the bus was from there. And you told Amma the day before to call you in the morning so you could see me going for it. And you fell from the chair while we were all waiting for me to go. I remember thinking if I should go for the trip or not because for a moment, I thought something bad happened. But then we had three had a good laugh about it, didn't we? 

A part of me died when my amma told me something. She said that you used to think that we gave you old plates, leftover food items etc to have. I don't think there is any truth to that, but please don't ever think like that Achamma. Amma and I love you very much. And you are always my #1 person.

The last time I saw you alive was in 2020 december last week. I don't remember if you recognized me, but you did recognize Amma.

Achamma, I love you and I'm so sorry for everything. I know it's too late for everything. But I genuinely am sorry and I will never forgive myself for treating you that way. God can punish me as much as anyone wants and I will never question it. But please do forgive me for it.

To my Achamma, I will always love you.
I miss you.

-Unni

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