Punk And Disoderly

 02/07/24  21:22   Dear diary,             Do you ever feel like you just don't know what is out there for you? Like either there is nothing                  for you and you're just stuck in the same loop, with just different lightings. Or you can't just see a future for you ahead. There are somethings in the world that can never just be changed.                                Personality is one of them. You can always pretend to be a different person or have different                        opinions but on the inside, you're the same person you've been years ago. People don't      change, their perceptions does. Okay, I wrote till this in the month of July. Today is September 2nd. Yup, it's been two months since I last wrote this.  So many happened. I'm confused on where to start. There was this group of people whom I thought I could depend on somewhat. But my ethics and theirs collided which resulted in me slowing moving out of the way and losing inter

19/06/24 18:23 Dear,     It is day two of my ill-life and the only thing stopping me from going on is my parents. Damn the hell, but I effing love them so much. The Bangalore weather has been compromised and I wake up sweating, every morning. But I am counting the days till September so that I can go back home and chill for a week.  Also, a new avatar has entered the life which stops me from having any kind of business in the entertainment area(Thank you, J).  How I honestly want my college days to go on-I want to quit everything, every extra curriculars and want to study and learn well and just go back home after class. I'm writing this here because I don't have the guts to talk about this to people.  Realizing that there is no single person in the entire world you can depend on hits hard. I'm aware of the fact that it is mildly selfish but those are my desires. If I can't be loved, then what can I be? Also, my old buddy is not talking to me because they care a lot abo

17 Feb 2024, 21 years ago, someone I know was born. Poof. Today, it's me rethinking my thoughts just to make sure that what I feel is right. And do you want to know what I feel? I feel like if this someone is happy now, then I shouldn't ruin it with my presence. At the same time, I keep on running into this someone a lot. I try my best to avoid them most times. But, obviously, I will also want to see them, right? Right. Every day is a new day-me thinking that something will happen that will make me not want to sleep ever. Not because I want to kill myself, but because I could never sleep thinking about the instance as I'll always be smiling. My chances are either getting reduced or is already nil. Not considering the latter, considering what kind of a person I am, I live everyday. Yes, maybe that's why I have low self-esteem. I wish I could talk to someone. Well, not just someone but someone who might know someone . But I am too scared to do that as I am that girl w

 My cousin just made a comment. Fuck you, so I have facial hair-up yours! So it's his wedding in what, 2 3 days I guess. I'm currently at my dad's place and this shit is boring af. I'll go back to my place only on 2nd and on 3rd I've to be back at the shitty college. AHHHHHHH I had so many plans for the holidays. Wanted to hang out with Meera, Poorni, Aysha etctec. But none of that crap happened cause of this shitty wedding(I'm not cursing them ok. God bless you guys) But something good did come out of it. I talked to someone after a particular period of time. I hope nobody I'm close with reads this cause this shit is embarrassing af.  Also I'm missing new yrs guy. probably the first time after a long time. I feel like crying myself to sleep(honest guys, honest) I want to thank everyone who rooted for me this year+whoever wrote to me thinking that some pages were suicide notes left by me lol(ik it's not funny)(ps MEERAAAAAMWAHS) Also, this might be t

  Imagine not being with someone you want. I'm not doing anything about the confirmation of the 'L' word as I'm not even sure about it. I'll start with some ways to be pleased with yourself for not confessing. One, think about the cultural differences(as if). Second, think about the personality differences. I can assure the distance between them will be miles. The similarities are present but yet they contrast each other(rethink).  What happened during the first few months(July-) seems like a lie as it seems like we don't even know each other now. Maybe we don't, atleast she could pretend. I don't want her to feel guilty about anything as she doesn't have anything to feel guilty about. Most of them, I did it to myself-not thinking about the consequences.I want to blame myself but my ego isn't allowing me to.  I hope I have the guts to post this. I want to thank my friend who replied thinking that I was writing a suicide note, lol. Mee

 Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby, and I'm the monster on the hill.  Yes, I sometimes do feel like that. I got back from Bahrain, I got into Christ University, senior year result came out(yay me), lost some friends, made a few, cried a lot, almost killed myself, found out that I've to move out of town in three weeks, restarted listening to Taylor, got fat, started drinking a new kind of tea, got a new inspiration(Carla).  25.09.2023 Dear diary,  Paparrazzi by Lady Gaga is tearing me apart. I'll be visiting my home on 27th and my friend will be dropping me off at the bus stop(hopefully, he will).  I feel like I'm slowly killing myself. My health. my mind-everything is slowly shutting down. I have no idea why. I'm eating well, I have worked way more than this, the weather is okay(even though I hate it and sometimes I get really effing cold, but it's okay).  Also I have stopped listening to taylor swift. It was fun when it lasted. Back to my shitty mu